For years, going back home from wherever I am, has always been a struggle for me. I’ve always had a hard time finding joy and happiness in my overall visit back home. Since the day I left for college, I found this freedom and comfort in not being near the same town as my family. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. I love my friends who are based in that area. But I always had an issue with getting excited to come back home. I always had an issue with confirming scheduled dates and times to come over and participate in family events.
I always thought it was because I always felt like the black sheep of the family. I always thought that I would run into that one ex that broke me. Or the family of the one ex who was mean to me. Or that I would run into some conflict with some person I used to know and forgot about because I couldn’t figure out how to deal. It wasn’t because I wasn’t excited about birthday parties, Halloween parties, gender reveals, holidays, engagements, or births of nieces, nephews, and cousins. Because I was. I was cheering on from the sidelines 512 miles away, or 205 miles away; or even less than 100 miles away.
I just chalked up that feeling of being an introvert. I don't like big parties or large gatherings It was too loud, too many people, too many words, and often, way too hot. And family or friends that I would see at these parties would try to find me and make small talk with me and I would have to tell them all about my life since the last time I saw them. I was not a fan of that so I just kept lying to people to give them what they wanted to hear, to keep my life interesting, and to open up wold of excuses I could use in the future. I just thought that I wasn’t the person to participate in things like that.
Then I would feel guilty about not participating in things like that. I wasn’t being supportive enough to family members. That they felt like I wasn’t a part of their moment and they resented me for it. Or that they felt like my pulling out of an event last minute made them feel less loved by me. I felt sad and hurt that I couldn’t be a part of those crowning monumental moments. I felt horrible for not being able to muster up the courage to just face the crowd just to support those little moments. The more time that grew between visits at family functions, the more I felt that they hated me or that they didnt want to see me and that they would eventually just not want me around. I felt like a total complete loser.
It has always been hard to come back home since I left. I always thought that I was broken or cold-hearted but after being gone for so long, building and growing myself, it became so obvious when I stepped back into the state. I hated who I am when I am in Texas. I become what I have called “texas toxic”. In colorado, I am this strong independent woman who is focused on her goals, her growth, and her relationship with her friends and Jesus. I am focused on bettering myself, becoming the best version of who I am, working hard, and growing in my field and my knowledge. In Texas, I am all about the trama that I refused to work through, I have no personal boundaries, all about the boys who hurt me.
I can't drive through my mother's neighborhood without fear of running into my ex-boyfriend, his fiance, or one of his family members. I can't drive to my sister's house without thinking about the red Toyota SUV that drove away while I had a panic attack in the parking lot of a winery because I swore up and down he was the one. I can't drive to the church I grew up in without passing by the cool watering hole me and my friends used to go to underage to drink and swim. I can't drive to my friend's house without passing by the spot I almost got arrested after being pulled over for the driver drinking and driving. I cant go visit the old places I used to live without thinking about the way he used to hold me on the dance floor, the many many drunken nights downtown with my best friend, the tears I shed after all my wild first dates, and all the embarrassing things I've ever said and done.
I turn into this toxic person that I hate because of the decisions I made in the past. I'm not fun to be around, I am not myself, I don't like myself. I hate being this insecure girl who cants go around anywhere without being fearful of the memories of yesterday's past. I don't regret the life that I have lived because it has constantly challenged me to become a better person and it has helped me get where I am. But I hate having to hold those memories with me wherever I go. Not only is it embarrassing but it reminds me of a person who was sad and struggling and I am not that person anymore. I don't want to keep having those memories, I don't want to keep turning into this person, and I don't want to keep feeling like I can't show up for my family.
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