Today was a very long productive day. Yesterday, I started a project at work that results in a lot of looking for evidence, suggesting changes, and being creative. It took me several hours and the entirety of today to get this project done while getting projects pushed to me. It's interesting because I don't even handle projects but I found a need that I want to fill. I keep saying that I am creating a job out of thin air. Well, see if it goes anywhere.
But doing something creative like that, finding and debating workflows to make things more efficient, and creating more workflows, scripts and training have been exhilarating. It has helped me feel confident. This week has been excruciatingly long and I have been getting to the point of this challenge where I am reverting back to my old ways of not feeling worthy or confident. I think that If you read back the writings I've done within the last week, you can tell that I am less confident than I was before.
Maybe it's the stress of waiting to hear back about my future. Maybe it's focusing on writing a thesis proposal on egg donation. Maybe it's realizing that the path I always thought I was going to go on was not the path for me. A lot of things have been happening to me, and though I didnt spend a lot of the week focusing on being more confident than I am, I feel like I have gone through a lot of emotional things and a lot of stress.
As I think I've mentioned in a previous post, stress is something that causes me to go into depression and that is not something that I super want to exhibit at this moment in time. So even though I am excited about my potential future and where my life is heading, the stress of not knowing and not going forward is excruciating because there is a lot of self-doubt about how good I am and how much potential I have.
That's one of the reasons I am focusing on confidence so much this month. I know I have skills, knowledge, and experience. I know that I can always be better and I know that I will always have someone with that I can show improvement. I will always need to feel confident and empowered, even if I am faking it.
There is large importance of taking care of yourself. I mean, you are the only person who can experience what you go through. You go through a lot. No matter what it is. Your heart gets heavy and your back gets sore from carrying the weight of the world. Even if you have someone to help you hold your stress, it's still important to learn how to love yourself, be with yourself, and face the quiet with yourself.
One of me really enjoys laying around, eating food, baking, tanning, being around my home, not driving, and having things delivered to me. I like being at home where everything is cleaned how I live, feels how I like, looks how I like. This is my safety net where I can dream in peace, bake in peace, and cry in peace. However, there's another side of me that really likes going out. I really like drinking and going to games, I like hiking, exploring, partying, trying new things, and being adventurous. I like being spontaneous and trying new things, I like bar hopping and meeting new people. But most of the time, the logical hermit crab side of me wins out because I don't want to spend too much money or eat too much food. Then I just continue to stay inside and not drive until I hate myself, my surroundings, my friends, and my life.
So it's important to treat yourself kindly. It's important to treat yourself with love. You only got yourself. So self-care or just make sure that you're being kind to yourself. You wanna eat 15 cookies? Go for it, just maybe add some fruit as well. Don't go looking in the mirror later and complain about how you don't feel well or how you hate what your body looks like. Go out for a walk or go work out. Don't use negative words to yourself. Don't be a bully to yourself.
Comments