Today, the struggle is still real. I woke up and let my alarms run for about 30 minutes before I watched videos in bed for another 15-20 minutes. Then I got up to get ready for the day. I brushed my teeth and took my vitamins, and made my coffee. I also made some lunch, fancy oatmeal with strawberries and bananas. I hardly ever have time to cut up fruit and put it in my oatmeal but today I just wanted to take my time. I actually did my hair also. Not well. But I brushed it out for a while to make it nice and soft. I also put some hair oil in my hair.
I got to work and I did something a little different. I normally go straight to my reading spot and spend the next 2 hours there doing my morning reading. However, I got on my work computer and checked the status of my applications for colleges I've been waiting on. I've been anxiously waiting to get accepted so I can move on to the next phase of planning/moving. Nothing was updated. Lastly, I went to Amazon. Amazon is so lovely but I wasnt shopping this time.
Amazon has this cool little feature of “prime Reading” where it lets you read books for free. You have a library that holds 11 books that you can rent out and return when you're ready. Since none of the books I'm reading this month has brought me any pleasure or joy, I decided that I was going to get 11 new books. (for reference, I typically read 3-4 books a week but since writing this, I haven't even read a full book this month, and it's been 12 days. So I needed to update my stale library to help me focus. It actually did work because I'm excited to read the books I have and spent the next hours reading.
I found out some news today while I was at lunch. If you, reader, don't know, I was in a car accident on 3/26/2021 that broke most of my face. I broke my nose, eye socket, several teeth, and jaw. It was an emotional and trying day, yet I made it through. I really leaned on my family for the support that day and several other days after that. Apparently, though, my sister found out that she was pregnant with her second kid at the same time that I got hit by a car. I feel like a jerk for asking her to help me with the accident stuff when she was celebrating this fact.
But this can be a teaching moment for myself. I got into a car accident. It was not my fault. It wasnt my fault that I broke my face and couldn't see or talk or eat. It wasnt my fault that I broke my glasses and had to walk around all day with blurry vision. It's not my fault that I had to hitch a ride in the ambulance to get to my place of work. Why am I apologizing for asking for help - which, mind you, is not something I typically do. I typically find ways to do it myself, because I don't need anyone to help me, right? I'm a Baddie.
This is a moment that I could use for humorous purposes to make myself feel better about things that I had no control over. I could make jokes to my family, my sister, about how I should have known or should have just continued to care for myself which could just harm my self-esteem and make me feel even more worthless. I could continue to make jokes at my expense; hurting my own self and personality for a laugh from people who are looking at their phone screens distracted by their children or jobs to actually laugh.
Or I could just understand that this was a pivotal moment for her and she still chose to help me out when I needed it the most. I could thank her or send her flowers. I shouldn't have to feel sorry or say sorry for asking for help when I needed it. I shouldn't feel bad that she still chose to help me during this time and that probably nothing grayed the fact that she was pregnant with her second miracle baby. Even though she was doing something for me, she was still probably shining with light and still celebrated this fact and celebrated herself.
See changing the perspective of where you are in the world can help you change the way you carry yourself. If I keep making jokes at my own expense, I would probably think of myself as a spineless fool who is a people's pleasure and who basically is only alive to help other people and cause as little issues as possible. But if I stop making these kinds of jokes, I could potentially gain new freedom from myself but also a new confidence in who I am and who I believe I can be.
It's all about that perspective.
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