Today I woke up and I felt completely defeated. I felt like there was no way that I could break out of my habits, that I didn't have the skill or potential to do what I have been wanting to do for so long, or have the knowledge to get where I am going.
To put it into perspective, this past weekend, I worked on my website to get my blog up and running, I created a brand logo that I LOVE, and I bought my domain name. Buying the website as well as the domain name was more expensive than I thought it would be, causing me to have a lot of anxiety about it.
The thing is, I'm kind of a lazy adult. I'm about to be 26 years old and I still think of myself as a broke college student. I still wake up incredibly early, I don't spend a lot of time focusing on myself, I have a hard time maintaining friendships or going out with said friends, I have a hard time making and eating food that an adult my age would eat (i.e. I still buy mac and cheese and ramen noodles in bulk). I don't like cleaning unless it's the weekend, causing my house to be a complete wreck by Friday night. I have a hard time following through on goals and hopes and dreams.
The reason I had a lot of anxiety about purchasing a domain name and website is that I don't typically have the follow-through or interest in keeping it going longer than a month. So I really had to push away my thoughts and fears while I was working on the website this past weekend.
I have been wanting, dreaming, and most importantly, trying to move to Germany for the last year. My friends and family do not know that this is something that I want to do. Over the last year, I've been looking at options and researching ways that I can become a dual citizen in Europe and America, looking at places to stay, looking at jobs, and trying to find friends. I've had a really hard time trying to achieve this for many reasons.
My options are to either get a visa through school, find a job that will sponsor a visa, have only a travel visa and be there for 90 days, or find someone to marry and move there. The last one is out of the question. I am not even close to getting someone on the horizon. The 3rd option is fine but I would much rather have a job that pays me to be there or help support the plane ticket. I would just feel more financially secure in that. So really the only option is getting a visa through school or through a job.
This morning, I just woke up and I felt like this wasn't an obtainable goal. That Americans physically cannot move across the world and as much as I want to be the exception to the rule, I feel like I can't. I felt so emotionally tired from this journey already that everything surrounding my negative thoughts about how unsuccessful this blog will be pushed me over the edge.
My main goal with this blog is to document things I've seen and gone through and how I feel. I hope that I can reach people who are struggling to find a place in this world. I hope I can make them see that sometimes, some people don't have a specific place. Their place is to constantly be finding new places and seeing new things. That is where I believe that I belong. Not in one country, not in one state or one city. I believe that my place in this world is all over. I leave little pieces of my heart at these amazing places I go see and visit while I'm on my way to find something else.
The purpose of this post is to show that not every day is happy to go lucky and that this is hard; Way harder emotionally than I thought. But I hope to reach the audience that I need to reach. I hope to continue to bring a different voice to travel blogging and I hope to continue to be open and honest about what I'm dealing with and the goals that I have for this blog and for myself.
I hope you know how much I love and appreciate each one of you.
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